It was a terribly emotional morning. In fact I was shifting emotions like a truck driver shifts gears. Going through pride, fear, joy, sadness, doubt, and finally settling on guilt. I felt guilty because I couldn’t wait for this day to come. It was my daughters first day of school. Not just Pre-school or kindergarten but gone all day, 5 days a week 1st grade. I know how that sounds but as a single parent it meant that I could now get a full time job and start to focus on myself again. Then she walked down the sidewalk and into the school doors and I shifted back to sadness once again.
When I got back home I wandered around the house for a while not knowing what to do first. There was no-one to watch me and ask a thousand questions about what I was doing, I could watch something besides Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers and eat whatever I wanted for lunch. I settled on finishing the book that I had been trying to read before I went to bed every night. It was amazing to complete a whole chapter without falling asleep or being interrupted.
Half way through the second chapter the phone rang. It was the school nurse. I was so scared that I could hardly hear what she was saying. We had only been apart for 1 hour. My daughter’s fingers had been caught in the bathroom door and I could hear her crying in the background. Suddenly all I wanted was to keep her home with me. A few minutes of peace and quiet was not worth the risk of her being without me when she was hurt or afraid. By the time I got to school she was on the playground running around with a big smile on her face. My first day of peace and quiet left me exhausted and emotionally confused. A perfect example of what my life as a parent would be like for the next 12 years.
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